Home owners association meetings -- what really happens

Have you ever wondered what goes on at an HOA meeting? I bet you think it’s all wonky budget review and discussions of how to beautify the complex over coffee and cookies. Good laughs all around and concensuses reached, right? Think again. Here’s an edited version of our complex meeting last week. Names changed to protect the inane innocent.


President: We need to discuss upcoming repairs.

Interrupter #1: The hot water is too hot.

President: That’s because we just had the recirculating pump replaced. Remember when we had no hot water at all?

Interrupter #2: I never noticed; I only take cold showers.

Interrupter #1: The hot water is too hot. A toddler could get burned (Note: no toddlers live in the complex)

President: The stolen metal garage grates need to be replaced and we have quotes here.

Interrupter #1: Let’s just get plastic grates made and painted to look like wood, sort of like they do at Disneyland. Cars can roll over plastic grates, right?

Interrupter #2: We need to put up fake security cameras so nobody will steal them again.

Vice President: But people still steal from 7-11 all the time and they have real cameras.

Interrupter #3: I have a “sniper” sticker on my car and an NRA sticker in my window.

Interrupter #4: What kinds of guns do you have? (Long digression about preferable guns ensues. Several residents appear to have a survivalist streak and we all discover that the complex is extremely well armed).

Interrupter #2: The dumpster area is too dark and I can’t take out my trash anymore.

Vice President: There are several hours of daylight every day wherein you can take out your trash.

Interrupter #2: We need a better light over the dumpster.

President: I’ll have the management company get a quote. Now, back to the grates…

Interrupter #1: We have a lot of new bugs around. It’s probably because nobody is taking out their trash because the dumpster area is too dark.

President: What do the bugs look like?

Interrupter #1: They are long green things with many legs. They look like centipedes, but are not. They are probably here for the garbage.

Vice President: Those are caterpillars. They will turn into butterflies and fly away, and it will be beautiful, just like in the 1960’s…

Interrupter #2: Somebody peed on the garage gate.

Interrupter #1: It was probably a coyote.

Interrupter #2: No, it was too high up for a coyote. I’m tired of the building being attacked. We need fake security cameras…

The meeting went on just like this for another 30 minutes. The interrupters continued to interrupt, but eventually repairs were discussed and a sort-of consensus was reached. Stay tuned for next month’s updates from our complex. Here’s hoping all HOA members either bone up on Roberts’ Rules of Order before then or take their meds.